Have you ever wondered what really binds two people together?
Do you know what bonds us (more than orgasms)?
It’s quite popular to believe that orgasms bind a couple together.
It seems to make sense.
The more orgasms, the stronger the orgasms, the closer the couple, right?
Actually quite wrong.
There’s so much more to human behavior and bonding than orgasms.
And there is a lot to orgasms that actually reverses the attraction and drives a couple apart.
This seems backward, but our study today shows us that it’s true.
The study is quite fascinating even though it is done with rats.
Rats, of course, are not people.
But I’m sure that some of the study and its findings apply to people as well, and we can learn a lot from it.
The idea here starts with a so-called “lovemap.”
A lovemap is a sequence of behaviors that used to be courting habits.
Today, we’d call it dating behavior.
And these behaviors culminate with a man and a woman becoming a couple.
A lovemap can include any number of dating behaviors.
It could include dating, texts, or getting drinks together.
It can also include sexual behaviors such as “heavy petting,” oral sex, intercourse, and all of the before and after habits.
The lovemap creates a hormonal mix in the body that nothing else in life can equal.
Hormones released during orgasm are more intense than nearly anything else we feel.
To reduce it to its most basic, it’s a very potent chemical cocktail.
But the reality isn’t basic at all.
We learn something very interesting from the rats in the study.
The more time that the rats spend before orgasm together, the more they bond.
People are the same way.
This is why men don’t bond to prostitutes.
There’s no intention to bond with a prostitute — and it’s all about meeting, having sex, and leaving.
The point is that it’s all the other stuff besides the orgasm that adds up to love versus just sex.
And we see that clearly with this study and its rats.
It even shows us that there is a formula to bonding.
Meeting and spending time + intention to love + sexual intention + sexual activities = love (sometimes).
And the more time is spent together before, during, and after orgasm, the more bonding takes place.
The orgasm itself is actually NOT a bonding experience.
Males experience sexual reward following ejaculation (post-orgasmic state) and females during paced copulation at preferred rates and timed clitoral stimulation.
What the rats reveal is that longer periods of sexual contact lead to more bonding, more pleasure, and more love with each other.
An ejaculation that comes too quickly without increasing levels of arousal during copulation is either not experienced as rewarding or may not be processed as salient-enough.
There is every reason to believe that this is exactly the same in men and women as it is in the rats.
Precisely the same.
So how can this help you?
You might want to adjust your lovemaking expectations to favor long-term pleasure, sensation, and love and connection.
You do that by increasing the time spent in what we call “having sex.”
But this includes what happens before, during, and after sex.
The more time you spend on each of these phases, the more the love, sensation and pleasure builds.
And in the end, this leads to the greater the rewards in life.
Most people don’t get this because they’re driven by a biological urge to meet, have sex, and simply move on.
But this is extremely unfulfilling.
And it can even have physical ramifications… such as desensitization and loss of sexual pleasure.
It can even lead to a loss in sexual interest — not just for the man, but also for the woman as well.